Truly Captivating...: Courageous Faith Part Three

(August 7, 2011… One of the most JOYOUS days of my life!!)

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” (Psalm 30:11-12)

Time went on and I began to get back to some sense of “normal” in my life. I re-enrolled at Francis Marion University (after taking a break from school due to everything that had happened) and got involved in the Baptist Student Union. I met some great friends, and actually began to feel like myself again. Bethany asked me the next year if I would share my story at their Annual Fund-Raiser Banquet as a “Birth Mom’s Perspective” on adoption. That was just the first time… over the next couple of years, God gave me MANY opportunities to share. And share I did, because like Joseph, I believed that…

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives”. (Genesis 50:20)

One of the ways I was able to heal, was because I believed (still do) that nothing happens to us that doesn’t first flow through the filter of God’s hand. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”… and we become strong so we can help the weak. Allowing God to lead us through our experiences gives us the grace and courage to help others who may be going through the same thing. One of my dear friends at my home church was a missionary to Japan at this time. She shared my story with many women in that culture who needed to be comforted… who had lost their own innocence… their own children.

Unbeknownst to me, God was using my story to bless people on the other side of the globe!

But that’s not all… “the saving of many lives” also referred to my own. Another huge part of my healing was through the knowledge that my baby, “Joshua” (as his adoptive parents had named him) was out there somewhere… Smiling, Laughing, Growing, and becoming… and I clung to that with every fiber of my being. I knew this because I was able to get monthly reports for the first year of his life. The family would send pictures and updates through Bethany to my counselor who would then forward them to me. I would literally be standing at the mailbox waiting to hear the latest. It was such a blessing!

After the first year, the family decided that they wanted the adoption to continue to be “open”. They wanted Josh to know about me… to hear from me… and to one day be part of his life. I continued to get pictures and letters, this time directly from his Mom. I was able to send him gifts every birthday, and Christmas. I still do.

In the mean time, I met my KISA. (My Knight in Shining Armor). The night he asked me out on our first date, I had just given my testimony.. told this same story, at a BSU Bible Study. As my senior year of college began, I had one big prayer… to find my “future husband”. I met him that night.

Since he’d always known about everything I had been through, and all about Joshua, things were never awkward. He was as excited as I was when new pictures and letters would come in. He would even go with me (still does) to buy Josh’s gifts. Chris’ perspective has always been that Josh may not be “his child” but he is part of me… and I am his, so Josh is, too. That has always been SUCH a blessing… but never more than the last couple of months.

Josh graduated from High School in June of 2010, and I was sent an invitation.

I wasn’t sure at the time if this was just a “wanted you to know” kind of thing, or if he really wanted me there… If the time had come to finally meet my son. After praying over it, Chris and I decided that the timing wasn’t quite right… and that when it was, God would make that abundantly clear.

Since I now I have three more children, I began to worry about how to tell them. What would they think? What would Josh think when he found out about them? But every time those worries would plague me, I would remember one fact. God’s fingerprints have been on this situation since the very beginning, and he had all of that worked out, too… I just had NO IDEA how well…

This past June, Josh found me on Facebook. (Facebook!!) When I got the “friend request” I didn’t even hesitate… I immediately accepted. We began to message each other every few days, that grew into “chat sessions” where we talked about Swamp People and Country Music. :-) I was LOVING getting to know him more personally and having contact with this beautiful young man that I had loved from birth. I kept telling Chris, he is just too good to be true. So wise, so strong, so mature. Again, just confirmation that God’s plan is perfect, and my decision 19 years ago was a good one.

He is out on his own now, and has been struggling just a bit, so right before his birthday (August 1) I gave him my phone number and told him I was here for him, if he ever needed me. Ten minutes later, I got a text.. “Hey. Ha ha. It’s Josh”. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Conversations began to grow deeper, and I could tell Josh had lots of questions. Questions about who he is, and where he gets certain personality traits and other tendencies. (Like, ahem… a bad temper – No! Surely not MY child!! *Wink, Wink!*) I began to explain to him that I would love to answer his questions, but I didn’t think that texts or Facebook was the proper platform. His parents and I have always said that we would let Josh lead, and I would only move as far as he wanted me to go. I was trying to be so sensitive to that. So, as you might imagine, I could barely catch my breath when he replied, “I think I know where you are going with this. And if I am honest, I have to tell you that I am ready to meet you, and be a part of your life.”

WOW! The tears began to flow… but this time. They were tears of JOY!

A week later, (August 7, 2011)we met in person, just the two of us (as Josh requested).

It was SO AMAZING!! We literally just smiled and stared at each other for the first few minutes. As God would have it, Josh is now living only 5 minutes from my youngest sister and her husband. Door after door was opened… and we joyfully, yet cautiously stepped through them. The time came to share with my children… I was scared to death, but I was ready. Emilee knows the whole story, she happened to walk in on me one day in my room when I was having a “moment” and demanded to know why I was crying… she is a very determined little chick, so Chris and I decided it was time to tell her. (She is here today… I love you, Baby Girl!! Thanks for being so strong for your Mama and for helping me hold it together! You are truly a Steel Magnolia in my book!) Chris and I decided to tell the boys a couple of weeks ago. They’ve always known about “Joshua” and that he is a “special part of our family” because they’ve seen pictures… both in my parent’s home, and my own. As I said… I had to see him… to be reminded daily that HE is the good that came out of that night. HE is the reason I am alive today… But now the boys know that Josh is their brother. (They know that “something bad” happened to Mama when I was a young woman and that God gave me Josh to help me get through it.) All the kids were over-joyed. Honestly, the first question that every single one of them asked was, “When can we meet him?” Last Sunday, Josh met Emilee, Jacob, and Sam. It was love at first sight. I could have just busted wide open.

Josh is still very close with his parents and siblings (as he should be), but he now has another family that loves him, and has embraced him, too.

God truly worked it all out, and He has turned my mourning into dancing… I can honestly say, that other than my wedding day, and the births of my three little ones, I have never been happier.

Sweet Lord Jesus, I stand in awe. You have indeed worked this all out above and beyond any and all of my expectations… you have done more than I could ever ask or imagine. Your will is perfect. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me to trust that you were going to really give me that HOPE and that FUTRE you promised. I cannot be silent! I will sing your praises forever!

(Stay tuned tomorrow… for some Final Thoughts and PICTURES!!) :-)