Sweet Emmie-G

My very first bundle of joy... 27 hours of labor.... But you were SO worth it!

A true Beauty... A perfect "10"... We marveled at you (especially Papa
and Gigi!!)

Even then you looked "just like your Mama"! ;-)

Fairy princesses, kittens, Dora, and Blue were your most favorite playmates.

Always ready to recite and perform, you were quick to show us what you
had learned... Quite the little sponge you were!

You loved to play "dress up" and more than once used a little brother
as a "model"... You loved to make things beautiful.

Creative, crafty, poetic and musical.

You had your Daddy wrapped around your little finger.

You are still a truly captivating young lady.... Sometimes I find
myself just staring at you.

Porcelain skin, lustrous chestnut locks, and chocolate brown eyes...
No doubt about it, SnowWhite, you are most definitely the "fairest of
them all"!

But your beauty is not only skin deep... Your heart is kind. You
nurture others and lead them with special care.

Very tender-hearted, and quick to internalize things... A real-life
porcelain doll, others too need handle you with care.

Extremely persistent and determined, once you've set your mind on a
goal it will be achieved.

Hope Floats, The Notebook, Monte Carlo, and The Last Song... You're
still a big fan of princesses and fairy tales.

Never backing down from a challenge, you will try anything once... But
you are quick to admit when it's not for you and move on.

A loyal friend, Everyone is your BFF... Except Jordan, she's your
BFFFAAEL (whatever that means...) ;-)

You are quick to forgive, yet cautiously optimistic.   You don't build
walls, you build fences.

Your heart is noble and in tune with that of Your Father... You are
His Princess and you seek to please Him in all that you do.

Singing, writing, dancing, laughing, loving, and leading.... You still
specialize in making things beautiful.

Even now, you have your Daddy (and all the rest of us) wrapped around
your little finger!

Happy Birthday, Princess Emilee... Keep on shining like the beautiful
diamond you are... Reflecting His glory to the world around you!!

I love you,BabyGirl!!!  And I a super proud to be your Mama!!! You are
still SO worth it!! ;-)

Jacob DeWitt…

(September 25, 2011)

I can’t believe you turned 10 today!

My tiniest baby… two weeks early, you brought so much joy to my heart.

You were a truly beautiful baby boy…

(Auntie KK wanted to send your pics to magazines.)

You are still a VERY stunning little fella.

As a toddler you found your smile, and became quite the comedian.

Your laughter was (and remains) contagious.

A thoughtful, brain-stormer, you contemplate and strategize every move.

A strong sense of compassion and justice lives within your heart.

You are most definitely a “righter of wrongs”.

Maybe that’s why Bat-Man and Spider Man are your heroes.

Very passionate… in love, in belief, and in temper.

But you know how to “talk the fire down”.

You won’t necessarily start a fight, but you will finish one very time.

From Veggie Tales to Star Wars, to Super Heroes, your play is always imaginative.

You’ve yet to meet a video game you can’t conquer.

You are a home body, and deeply devoted to your family.

So like your father, you relish quality time with him,

And you’re always willing to help him with projects around the house.

A friend to animals of all kinds… especially cats and dogs.

You are the whole reason our family ever got a pet in the first place!

Very selective, I know you will always make good choices…

It takes you ten minutes to tie your shoes because they have to be “just right”.

You STILL fill my heart with such joy!

So  strong and handsome, thoughtful, and caring…

You are my Super Hero!

Happy Birthday, Jake!

I love you ever so very much!!

Courageous Faith–Final Thoughts

As promised, here are a few pictures…

First, a couple of the older ones I have kept in my “Joshua Scrapbook” over the last 19 years. 

SUCH a beautiful baby!!

A couple more… current ones…

Josh and his sweet girlfriend, Meg, and then one I just thought was too cute…

even if he does have an UGLY ORANGE hat on!! :-)

 

And lastly, here are two that we took the day all the children all met each other for the first time.

I think you can tell by the expression on my face… I was SO PROUD!

I’ll leave you with these final thoughts from my message this last Sunday…

**(You can listen to My Story in its entirety here.)**

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

What do you need to TRUST GOD with today? How do you need him to WORK AND MOVE in your life?? Are you being held CAPTIVE by sin, or circumstances? Maybe you are like I was, and need to pray a prayer like “God, you have to make this okay. You have to handle this. Because I can’t. I don’t even WANT to.”

Remember the verses we started with? From Isaiah 61?

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion ---- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”

That is why JESUS CAME. To proclaim FREEDOM to the captives… to SET THE PRISONERS FREE!! Redeeming our lives is His specialty! That’s HOW HE ROLLS!!

I am not just saying these words because they are the “Christian Thing” to say. I am begging you right now to come to him and surrender everything, because I have lived it. I have seen what He can do with a heart and life that are totally His.

He has TURNED MY MOURNING INTO DANCING!! He has given me JOY in my heart instead of tears of mourning. He is making me a MIGHTY OAK that stands tall and testifies to HIS GLORY!!

(That’s the tagline of my blog, by the way… Truly Captivating: Shining My Light. Reflecting His Glory.)

I want to share one more thing, and then I’ll close. Do you know what the name JOSHUA means? It’s actually a form of the same name as our Savior… Jesus is the Greek form of Joshua… It literally means “Jehovah Saves”.

What do you think? Could there be a more appropriate name? God used Joshua to save my life… God gave Joshua to me because He knew I would save his… But it’s not Josh’s name that is most important.

It’s JESUS.

Call on Him today. Let Him be YOUR SAVIOR… Your VERY PRESENT HELP in time of need!!

********************************************

Thank you all for the privilege of allowing me to share these special details of my life with you.  Thank you to all who have joined me on this journey… My beloved parents and siblings, Josh’s precious parents and siblings, My awesome KISA, my three beautiful babies (Emilee, Jake, and Sam), and most especially, you Josh.  Thank you for giving me permission to share our story… to continue to allow God to work and move through it in MIGHTY ways… You totally amaze me!! And I will ALWAYS love you… Like Jesus does!!! 

Courageous Faith Part Three–Walkin’ On Sunshine

(August 7, 2011… One of the most JOYOUS days of my life!!)

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!”   (Psalm 30:11-12)

Time went on and I began to get back to some sense of “normal” in my life. I re-enrolled at Francis Marion University (after taking a break from school due to everything that had happened) and got involved in the Baptist Student Union. I met some great friends, and actually began to feel like myself again. Bethany asked me the next year if I would share my story at their Annual Fund-Raiser Banquet as a “Birth Mom’s Perspective” on adoption. That was just the first time… over the next couple of years, God gave me MANY opportunities to share. And share I did, because like Joseph, I believed that…

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives”.  (Genesis 50:20)

One of the ways I was able to heal, was because I believed (still do) that nothing happens to us that doesn’t first flow through the filter of God’s hand. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”… and we become strong so we can help the weak. Allowing God to lead us through our experiences gives us the grace and courage to help others who may be going through the same thing. One of my dear friends at my home church was a missionary to Japan at this time. She shared my story with many women in that culture who needed to be comforted… who had lost their own innocence… their own children.

Unbeknownst to me, God was using my story to bless people on the other side of the globe!

But that’s not all… “the saving of many lives” also referred to my own. Another huge part of my healing was through the knowledge that my baby, “Joshua” (as his adoptive parents had named him) was out there somewhere… Smiling, Laughing, Growing, and becoming… and I clung to that with every fiber of my being. I knew this because I was able to get monthly reports for the first year of his life. The family would send pictures and updates through Bethany to my counselor who would then forward them to me. I would literally be standing at the mailbox waiting to hear the latest. It was such a blessing!

After the first year, the family decided that they wanted the adoption to continue to be “open”. They wanted Josh to know about me… to hear from me… and to one day be part of his life. I continued to get pictures and letters, this time directly from his Mom. I was able to send him gifts every birthday, and Christmas. I still do.

In the mean time, I met my KISA. (My Knight in Shining Armor). The night he asked me out on our first date, I had just given my testimony.. told this same story, at a BSU Bible Study. As my senior year of college began, I had one big prayer… to find my “future husband”. I met him that night.

Since he’d always known about everything I had been through, and all about Joshua, things were never awkward. He was as excited as I was when new pictures and letters would come in. He would even go with me (still does) to buy Josh’s gifts. Chris’ perspective has always been that Josh may not be “his child” but he is part of me… and I am his, so Josh is, too. That has always been SUCH a blessing… but never more than the last couple of months.

Josh graduated from High School in June of 2010, and I was sent an invitation.

I wasn’t sure at the time if this was just a “wanted you to know” kind of thing, or if he really wanted me there… If the time had come to finally meet my son. After praying over it, Chris and I decided that the timing wasn’t quite right… and that when it was, God would make that abundantly clear.

Since I now I have three more children, I began to worry about how to tell them. What would they think? What would Josh think when he found out about them? But every time those worries would plague me, I would remember one fact. God’s fingerprints have been on this situation since the very beginning, and he had all of that worked out, too… I just had NO IDEA how well…

This past June, Josh found me on Facebook. (Facebook!!) When I got the “friend request” I didn’t even hesitate… I immediately accepted. We began to message each other every few days, that grew into “chat sessions” where we talked about Swamp People and Country Music. :-) I was LOVING getting to know him more personally and having contact with this beautiful young man that I had loved from birth. I kept telling Chris, he is just too good to be true. So wise, so strong, so mature. Again, just confirmation that God’s plan is perfect, and my decision 19 years ago was a good one.

He is out on his own now, and has been struggling just a bit, so right before his birthday (August 1) I gave him my phone number and told him I was here for him, if he ever needed me. Ten minutes later, I got a text.. “Hey. Ha ha. It’s Josh”. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Conversations began to grow deeper, and I could tell Josh had lots of questions. Questions about who he is, and where he gets certain personality traits and other tendencies. (Like, ahem… a bad temper – No! Surely not MY child!! *Wink, Wink!*) I began to explain to him that I would love to answer his questions, but I didn’t think that texts or Facebook was the proper platform. His parents and I have always said that we would let Josh lead, and I would only move as far as he wanted me to go. I was trying to be so sensitive to that. So, as you might imagine, I could barely catch my breath when he replied, “I think I know where you are going with this. And if I am honest, I have to tell you that I am ready to meet you, and be a part of your life.”

WOW! The tears began to flow… but this time. They were tears of JOY!

A week later, (August 7,  2011)we met in person, just the two of us (as Josh requested).

It was SO AMAZING!! We literally just smiled and stared at each other for the first few minutes. As God would have it, Josh is now living only 5 minutes from my youngest sister and her husband. Door after door was opened… and we joyfully, yet cautiously stepped through them. The time came to share with my children… I was scared to death, but I was ready. Emilee knows the whole story, she happened to walk in on me one day in my room when I was having a “moment” and demanded to know why I was crying… she is a very determined little chick, so Chris and I decided it was time to tell her. (She is here today… I love you, Baby Girl!! Thanks for being so strong for your Mama and for helping me hold it together! You are truly a Steel Magnolia in my book!) Chris and I decided to tell the boys a couple of weeks ago. They’ve always known about “Joshua” and that he is a “special part of our family” because they’ve seen pictures… both in my parent’s home, and my own. As I said… I had to see him… to be reminded daily that HE is the good that came out of that night. HE is the reason I am alive today… But now the boys know that Josh is their brother. (They know that “something bad” happened to Mama when I was a young woman and that God gave me Josh to help me get through it.) All the kids were over-joyed. Honestly, the first question that every single one of them asked was, “When can we meet him?” Last Sunday, Josh met Emilee, Jacob, and Sam. It was love at first sight. I could have just busted wide open.

Josh is still very close with his parents and siblings (as he should be), but he now has another family that loves him, and has embraced him, too.

God truly worked it all out, and He has turned my mourning into dancing… I can honestly say, that other than my wedding day, and the births of my three little ones, I have never been happier.

Sweet Lord Jesus, I stand in awe. You have indeed worked this all out above and beyond any and all of my expectations… you have done more than I could ever ask or imagine. Your will is perfect. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me to trust that you were going to really give me that HOPE and that FUTRE you promised. I cannot be silent! I will sing your praises forever!

(Stay tuned tomorrow… for some Final Thoughts and PICTURES!!) :-)

Courageous Faith Part Two–Daylight Dawns

(August 1, 1992)

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”.  - Romans 8:28

Again, it was right around midnight. The pains had been coming all day, but by this time they were stronger, and much closer together. I had no idea what I was going to do… You see, I had finally come to terms with my pregnancy about 4 months in. Before that I was in total denial. The first 2-3 months, I had had some spotting which I mistakenly supposed to be my cycle. I breathed a sigh of relief. Until the spotting stopped. Month four there was nothing, and my belly was beginning to poke out. I kept telling myself, “No. This cannot be happening. God wouldn’t let this happen to me”. A month or so later, I began to feel the child inside me move. At this point there was no denying it, anymore. I was pregnant, and I had NO IDEA who the father was.

I had a serious boyfriend in high school, and dated a few guys in my first year or so of college, but I had never given myself to anyone. I’m not saying I was perfect. I was what you might call, “very affectionate”. But I never gave myself to anyone because for me, it was VERY IMPORTANT to save that gift for my husband. So there was no question in my mind about when I had become pregnant… but I had no clue as to how to tell my parents, or anyone else for that matter.

The only person I had even shared my nightmare with was my sister Betsy, who is not quite two years younger than me. I went to her, to share in confidence. I made her swear not to tell a soul. She kept my secret. Until she could no longer.

As the time drew closer I began to soak my pillow with tears at night. Praying to God. Asking Him, again, to help me. My constant prayer was, “God you have to take this. You have to make this okay. I can’t handle it. I don’t even want to try. It’s yours. Your will be done.”

Even if I had known sooner, I can honestly say that the thought of having an abortion made me cringe. I believed (at that time) that it was a totally legitimate way to handle this type of thing, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t punish an innocent life… not for something someone else did. It wasn’t my fault. But it wasn’t the baby’s fault, either. I had to believe that God had a plan.

I believe with all my heart that one of the reasons God allowed me to carry this baby, was to save my life. I honestly don’t know if I would be here, otherwise. There were times that I wished I could find a way out of my pain. A way to end it once and for all, but I would never do any harm to myself… because I could never harm my baby.

I began to talk to the child at night. Rub my belly and say, “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. You are going to be okay.”

So that night, as the labor pains grew stronger and nearer, I knew that I could keep my secret no longer. My baby sister, Karen (then 11 years old) was “camping out” with me in her sleeping bag, in the floor beside my bed. When she heard me crying, she went downstairs and got Mama. When my mother reached my bed, she saw me clinching my waist and writhing in pain. She reached down to touch me, and as soon as she did, she said, “Oh, my God! Susanne, do you have something to tell me?”

To this day, I literally have no idea exactly what I said to her. I remember telling her the gist of things, and hearing her say she had to go get Daddy. I begged her not to.

My Dad had been through a rough year with his job. Very successful, but very busy, and very stressful. He had been promoted to Regional Manager of his company and been traveling a lot. All I could think about was that he would have a stroke or a heart-attack and be checking in the hospital right along with me.

When Dad heard what Mom said, he looked straight into my eyes and said, “Who?” I told him, “Daddy. I don’t know. It happened last fall. That weekend I was away visiting (my friend).”

We raced to the hospital. When we got there and the doctors checked me out, it was discovered that I was very sick. My blood-pressure was through the roof, and I had taken on way too much fluid. I was toxic.

Mom told the doctor all she knew, and he came and stood beside me saying, “I am going to take care of you. We are going to get you through this”.

After some medicine for pain and to help regulate my blood pressure, I began to sleep a little. My Dad came to my side again, and said… “Honey. I know you have been through a lot. And I don’t even really know where to start. But I need you to know that we are here now. I am here. And I will do whatever you need me to do. And if you want to take this baby home, all you have to do is say the word, and it’s done.” I said, “No, Daddy. I can’t. I have to do what is right for the child. He or she deserves a mother AND a father. I cannot give this child a Daddy… or even a healthy and whole Mama, at this point. I know what I have to do. We have to find him/her a family.”

He nodded. Tears in his eyes. And that was the end of it.

After my son was born, they whisked him away. The doctors didn’t want me upset. My blood-pressure was still dangerously high.

I was moved from the delivery room to the floor for at-risk pregnancies. I had to stay in the hospital for three days to recover.

In the mean time, a wonderful representative from Bethany Christian Services visited me. We literally picked this agency out of a phone book, and within an hour of calling them, the woman I would later refer to as “My Guardian Angel” was at the door of my hospital room. After telling her my story (the first time my parents had actually heard it in any detail), she took my hand. Her eyes filled with tears, she said, “Susanne. We have a family that has been praying for a child with special circumstances. They came to us last October. I believe they are the family that God has prepared to raise your baby”.

I believed it, too.

A week later, I did the hardest thing I have ever done. I signed the papers to release my son to this family’s care. Although it broke my heart to give him up, I have never regretted it, not even one day, since.

Jesus this is SO HARD. But I know you have a plan. And I know you will work this out according to your purpose. Please help me trust you, and move forward. I need you to heal me, and restore me. Please be with my baby and his new family… Give them everything they need to raise him according to your word, and your will for his life. Help us both to walk into the future and the good that you have promised us.